"Time" 
(Bobby Bare song)

Ain't the snow fallin' just a bit deeper these days
And they're building the stairs a bit'steeper these days
And the town's really changin' in so many ways
It's time, time.

The young folks you're growin' uncommonly tall
And the newspaper print is becomin' so small
And folks talk so soft you can barely hear at all
It's time, just time.

Jokes aren't as witty as the old jokes once were
And the girls ain't half as pretty as I remember her
And today on the bus a grown man called me sir
It's time, just time.

You know I ain't quite as anxious for fame or success
And my eye finds the girl in the plain simple dress
And I cling a bit longer to each warm caress
That's time, just time.

So it takes a bit longer to walk up a hill
What of it but my life now is much more fulfill
But they're tearin' down the buildings that I watched them build
It's time, time... 

(Like I say, if you live long enough you get old.)

 

"Brian Hennessey"

Bobby Bare song (written by Shel Silverstein)

Brian Hennessey sat back and let the gypsy read his palm
When he saw her eyes grow wide and wild and dark
And she whispered through her toothless gums and clutched him by the arm
She said, "Boy, I fear I see the devil's mark."

Brian Hennessey just laughed and peeled the ten-spot from his roll
'Cause he'd never ever known the taste of fear
But he wondered why the summer nights should suddenly turn cold
As the gypsy's words come ringing in his ear.

"You can run, you can hide, Brian Hennessey.", she cried
"But you can't escape the fate that's in your hand.
And say how does it feel to have dealt your final deal?
Go on lay down Brian you're a dying man."

Brian Hennessey walked through the doors of the Dining Dog Saloon
Where he stopped to have his nightly glass of gin
And the one-eyed scar-faced stranger a dealing blackjack in the gloom
Winked his ghastly grey glass eye and dealt him in.

Brian watched in fascination as the stranger's fingers flew
Why he'd never seen such cheatin' done before
And his hand closed round the handle of his snub-nose 32
When the gypsy's warning come to him once more.

"You can run, you can hide, Brian Hennessey.", she cried
"But you can't escape the fate that's in your hand.
And say how does it feel to have dealt your final deal?
Go on lay down Brian you're a dying man."

Brian Hennessey just folded up his cards and walked away
Holding back the rage that burned his soul
And he stopped to have some coffee at the Mockingbird Cafe
But that slender blue eyed waitress was his goal.

And a few words from his silver tongue soon turned her flutty head
She said, "My husband's out of town, you need not fear."
But as he pressed her to the softness of her flutty-feathered bed
On her pillows he saw written bright and clear.

Oh, you can run, you can hide, daring letters clear and wide
Said you can't escape the fate that's in your hand
And say how does it feel to have dealt your final deal
Go on lay down Brian you're a dying man.

Brian Hennessey he stumbled down the stairs into the street
And from that day on he changed his wicked life
And he never drunk or gambled and he never dealt no dough
And he never touched another fellow's wife.

And years later he met the gypsy when his days were almost done
He said, "Ha, ha, I beat your curse don't you know."
But when she saw the frightened, trembling, withered wretch that he'd become
She said, "Brian, you died twenty years ago."

"Because you ran and you hid that's exactly what you did
But you didn't escape the fate that's in your hand.
And say how did it feel to have dealt your final deal?
Go on lay down Brian you're a dying man..."

 

 

"My wife is still HOT.  But it just shows up in flashes now"

 

Another Oldie:

Three guys went down to Mexico one night, got drunk and woke up in jail.  They found out that they were to be executed for their crimes;  but, none of them could remember what they had done.  The first one is a thin, pale, white haired old man.  He is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words.  He says, “I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the Almighty Power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent”.  They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.

The second one is a short, Jewish, bald guy.  He’s strapped in and gives his last words, “I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent”.  The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.  They figure that the law is on this guy’s side, so they let him go.

            The last one is a long, tall, blonde Texan.  He is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m a fighting Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I’ll tell you right now, you’ll never electrocute anybody if ya’ll don’t connect those two wires”.

 

From Facebook on 3/31/15:

joke1

joke2

joke3


1-11-14

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

Fred turned to his wife.
"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

25 Apr 11

A 5 Year Old's First Job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe
that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our
time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or
less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who
suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank
the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at
such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week
with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver
the damn sheet rock..."

5 Dec 2010

Benny’s Three Wishes
 
Benny worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. His primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him.

“Master,” the genie began, “I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you: You must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever.”

Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49 percent of the total Microsoft stock, which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife, and lo and behold, she was. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune, and he instantly became a worldwide celebrity.

Over the years, Benny’s beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating, while the memory of the genie’s warning faded.

Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there forever.

The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

THE OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’

‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’

The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.

‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.

‘Same,’ says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir.. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’

‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as u live!’

‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man.

The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’

The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say....’

“CASH FOR CODGERS” Program

Democrats, realizing the smashing success of the President’s “Cash For Clunkers” program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed  are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named....

“CASH FOR CODGERS”. It works like this...couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one elderly person.  The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent Codgers will garner the highest amounts.

Special “Bonuses” will be paid for those submitting Codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 20 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for Codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, liver, whole milk, tofu, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies..

All Codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or body parts harvested to keep other Codgers in repair.

You heard it here first...

Thanks a ton!
Provider Plan Enrollment Coordinator

 

31 Jan 08

The Cable Guy

While fixing the cable at a local asylum the installer ask the asylum director how the staff determined whether a patient should be institutionalized?

”Well,” said the director, “we have a number of tests we use , but one of the best we call the bathtub test.”

”The bathtub test?” asked the cable guy.

”Yes,” said the director. “We fill up a bathtub, then we offer the prospective patient a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket and asked them to empty the bathtub.”

”Oh, I understand,” said the cable guy, nodding his head knowingly. A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or teacup.”

”No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug.....you seem like a nice person. Would you like a bed near the window?.

Wal-Mart Greeter

Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get
to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded
and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their
”Senior-Friendly” policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell
you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late
so often is quite bothersome.”

”Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”

”Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd
though, your coming in late. You are retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say if you came in late there?”

”They said, ‘Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, Sir?’”

Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
the plug.”

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President (well, this might not apply in 2009)

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years .... maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes—one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

9 Dec 06

Three women escaped from prison, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To try to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks laying around, so they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house one of them saw the sacks.

The officer yells, “There’s just three burlap sacks in here!” To which his partner replies, “Then kick them just to be sure it’s not them hiding”.

The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunette in it and she yells, “MEEEYYOWW!” at which the officer says “Oh, its just a stupid cat in there.”

So he kicks the one with the redhead in it and she yells, “RUUFFF RUFFF!”, so the officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid dog!”

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, “POTATOES!”

Q : How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!!  And do you know WHY?  Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the >#&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!  

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE BOX IT CAME IN!!!  BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T SUFFOCATED IN ALL OF THE GARBAGE THAT IS A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!  AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .

I’m sorry. What was the question?
---------------------------------------------------------

9 Dec 06

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his wife’s condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn’t you!  I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!  Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!  For the rest of her life she will require ‘round the clock care.  And you’ll be her care giver!”

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to grin and looked at him....................... “I’m just kidding,” he chuckled. “She died two hours ago. So what did you shoot?”

30 Sep 06

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan; so, the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but, we’re a little puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “The airport wanted to charge me two hundred dollars to store my car. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Not all blondes are dumb.
____________________________________________________

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately.  The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?” The husband thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

1 Jul 06

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up to the TV. The 10:00 PM news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Homer and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Homer replied, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde said, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Homer placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on.”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed $20 to Homer saying, “Fair’s fair, here’s your money.”

Homer replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I saw it too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
 

23 Mar 06

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...’.”

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?”

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. “Um ... 22.”

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, “Five foot two!”

This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the she won’t have to count, measure, or lookup. “Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, “Mandy!”

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, “What were you doing when I asked you your name?”

“Oh, that!” replies the blonde,” I was just running through that song, ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...’.”

20 Dec 05

Fake Okies 

Bubba Wayne and Billy Bob, who are both from Denton,Texas, traveled to Grand Lake, Oklahoma for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown street, they see a sign in a store window which reads, “Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers 2.50 a pair.”

Bubba Wayne says,”Woo Hoo, Billy Bob!  We could buy a whole gob of these clothes, take ‘em back to Denton, sell ‘em to all our friends and make a fortune fer us.”  Bubba Wayne continues, “Now when we go in there, don’t you say a word, okay? Just let me do the talkin’  ‘cause if they hear your Texas accent, they might think we’re ignorant, and they won’t wanna sell them clothes to us. Now, I’ll talk in a slow, fake Oklahoma drawl so’s they won’t know.” 

They go in and Bubba Wayne says with his best fake Oklahoma drawl, “I’ll take 50 of them thar suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them thar shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them thar trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll just back up my pickup and......” 

The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll from Texas, ain’cha?”  “Well....yeah,” says a surprised Bubba Wayne. “How come’d you know that?”

The owner replies, “Cause this here’s a dry-cleaners.”

27 Sep 05

Some jokes from the bluegrass festival at Duncan:  (credit to Rick Faris for the short ones.  He is a guitar player of few words)

Two fish were in a tank.  One turned to the other and said “Do you know how to drive one of these things?”

Two birds were sitting on a perch.  One turned to the other and said “Does something smell fishy to you?”

A horse walked into a bar.  The bartender said “Why the long face?”

What do you call a two legged cow?  (lean beef)

What do you call a cow with no legs? (ground beef)

Here is sort of a “shaggy pig” story-----

A highway patrolman was driving 55 mph in a 55 mph zone and a guy passed him going 70.  The patrolman turned on his siren and lights and pulled the guy over.  When he walks up to ask for the driver’s license he notices a pig in the passenger seat.  He asks the man what is going on with the pig.  The guy says, “That is why I was speeding.  A pig hauler truck lost this pig out the back a few miles back and I picked up the pig and was trying to catch the truck to give it back”.  The patrolman says “Well, you can’t do that without speeding so you will have to think of something else”.  The speeder says “Well, what do want me to do with the pig?”.  The officer thinks a minute ands says “Why don’t you take him to the fair?”.   The guy says that sounds like a pretty good idea and takes his ticket and leaves.

A couple of weeks later the patrolman gets passed again by the same car going about 70 again in the same area.  He pulls the car over and when he walks up he notices the pig is in the passenger seat again.  He says “I thought you were going to take the pig to the fair.”.  The speeder says “Yes, I did, and we had such a good time I am taking him to Six Flags this weekend”.

One of the performers said that after a session on a really hot afternoon he was walking through the crowd after the sweaty performance and a lady close by said “Whew, someone’s deodorant has worn off”.  He said that he looked around and was glad it wasn’t him she was talking about because he wasn’t wearing any.

18 Sep 05

Final Request

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.  Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: “I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother’s strudel.” “No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.” “I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?” the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.  One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man’s last request.  After a long time, he returns ......empty-handed. “Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother’s delicious strudel?” the old man plaintively queries. “I’m very sorry, grandfather, but she says it’s for the funeral.”

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they talk of their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks “So, mate, how did ye end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off.” “Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well...,” replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off.” “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did ye get the eyepatch”? “A seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate. “Ye lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well...,” said the pirate, “....it was me first day with the new hook.”

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home from the hospital, they found the mailman dead on their front porch.

I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a woman (blonde), who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: “12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed.” She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, asked, “How many is a Brazilian?”

---------------------------------------------

28 Aug 05

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly. At 3, 000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.
 
As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

“What happened! ? “ the Instructor asked. “All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then? “

”Well, “ began the blonde, “I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan “

1 Dec 04

I decided I needed a few days off but realized that I was out of vacation time.  I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy.  I figured he’d think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she’s blonde...... it’ll be important  later) came in and asked me what I was doing. “Shh,” I said, “I’m acting crazy to get a few days off.  I’m a light bulb.”

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. “I’m a light bulb!” I exclaimed.

”You’re going crazy,” he said. “Take a few days off.”

With that, I jumped down and started walking out.  My coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.

”I can’t work in the dark,” she said.

24 Nov 04
Blonde IQ Exam

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic
[check only one]

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America’s far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners

9. Spell—Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy’s (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
 

20 Oct 04 -Two Blondes & A Baby!

A blonde couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”

The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

4 Sep 04 - Roses & Hanging Baskets

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.  Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out  like that!

The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.  You gotta let your rose buds show!” and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
 
The grandmother says, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets!”.

Happy Gardening

10 Dec 03 - My Christmas Story
A guy goes to the dentist a month after being fitted with a new upper plate.  The dentist takes a look and sees that the plate has corroded and is severely damaged.  He asks the guy what he has been eating that is unusual.  

The patient tells him that his wife came up with a new recipe for Hollandaise sauce and that he loves it so much he has been eating it on almost everything for the past month.

The dentist says that Hollandaise contains lemon juice and that has probably caused the corrosion.  

He tells the patient that he is going to fit him with a new plate and that it will be made out of chrome. 

“Chrome,” the guy asks, “Why chrome?”

“Well,” the dentist replies, ----- (ready?)
”There’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise”. 
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11 Nov 03
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded...

5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded...

9. Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

10. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

11. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

12. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

13. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded...

14. It’s hard to make a come back when you haven’t been anywhere.

15. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

16. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

17. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

19. It’s not hard to meet expenses... they’re everywhere.

20. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

21. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after
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16 Oct 03

She Was sooo Blonde That She......
 
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
 
3. Can’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles won’t fit into the typewriter.
 
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said “2 to 4 years”.
 
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
 
6. Couldn’t call 911 because there was no “Eleven” on any phone button.
 
7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered “C.”
 
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.
 
9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
 
10. Can’t make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.
 
11. Hates M&M’s because they are so hard to peel.
 
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
 
13. Changes the baby’s diaper only once a month because the label said “good up to 20 pounds.”

1 Oct 03

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she said, “especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What on earth do you mean?”

“Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: “Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!”

8 Sep 03-- (Yeah, you probably heard this “shaggy dog story” before)

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
 
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”
 
”Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”
 
Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
 
”No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says. “President George Bush,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”
 
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
 
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
 
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba. “I’ve known the Pope a long time.”
 
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
 
And Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But, by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’s side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?”
 
His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, ‘Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?’”
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5 Sep 03

Blonde Bus Ride

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,  charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asks, “What’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!”

One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, “YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!
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20 Jun 03 (from James’ forward)

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

8. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home.’” 
”That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” “It’s not unusual.”

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,”I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you.” said Dolly.
”It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive...”

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. So, since there are 5 people in my family, one of them must be Chinese. It’s either my mum or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I’m pretty sure it’s Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

17. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

19. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, “Is the bar tender here?”

19. A drunk walks into a bar. “Ouch!” he says.

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4 Jun 03

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
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I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: “Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restrooms at a rest stop but, I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: “Doing Just Fine!”  

And the other guy says: “So what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh I’m like you, just traveling east!”  

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.  “Can I come over to your place after while?”

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.  I tell him, “Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!”  

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

“LISTEN, I’ll have to call you back.  There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!”  

A lot of drinks. A very dark bar.

He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, “Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?”

The big woman replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know
something. Sure, I’m blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lbs. and I’m a professional triathlete and bodybuilder.  The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6’ 2” and 220 lbs;  she’s an ex-pro wrestler. Next to her is a blonde  who’s 6’ 5”,weighs 250 lbs., and she’s a kick boxing professional.  Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”

The guy blinks, swallows, and thinks about it for a second then says;  “No, not if I’m going to have to explain it  three  times.”!
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Jan 15, 2003

In a trial in a small town in South Carolina, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand.  She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.  The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised.  

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked: “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”  She responded:  “Why yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.  I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people.  You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the sense to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you well.”

The lawyer was stunned and slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge’s and jurors’ faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word.  Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”  She again replied: “Why yes, I do.  I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.  He is lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem.  The man can’t build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.  Not to mention he cheated on his wife with 3 different women.  I know him!”

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping down in his chair looking at the floor.  Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said:  “If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

Sep 30, 2002

This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

”You talk?” he asks.

”Yep,” the mutt replies.

”So, what’s your story?”

The mutt says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift.  In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, ‘cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.  The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.  So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.  Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

The owner says “Ten dollars.”

The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on
earth are you selling him?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar.”

14 Dec 01

Jay and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”  Jay’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”  Jay’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.  You must park...”, then the electric power goes out.  Jay’s wife says, “Honey, I don’t know
what to do.”  Jay says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

13 Nov 01

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.


”Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”

She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”


”I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

5 Sep 01

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.” The man replies, “Yes, it is.” Boy, “I have a baseball.” Man, “That’s nice.” Boy, “Want to buy it?” Man, “No, thanks.” Boy, “My dad’s outside.” Man, “OK, how much?” Boy, “$25”